It’s the 27th of September, 2025. I remember the first time I started journaling here… It was July 2023. I don’t mean to exaggerate, but this is not where I imagined I’ll be. At some random bookstore’s cafe in London, taking care of my father who is hospitalized (He’s getting much better), and being waist-deep in family obligations. My head hurts, my soul feels distant, and my heart is empty. I feel nothing, literally nothing. No love. No hate. No excitement. I do see a fault in the overdose of responsibilities that I’ve adopted. Doing things for fun has become a foreign concept. We’ve arrived on the 10th of August, and this trip has taught me so many things about myself that I need to reflect upon. Keep in mind that I intend to address all my issues and solve them. As gloomy as I feel. As dark as the world around me has become. As hopeless as the lens I view the world from has become. I do not intend to give up. I aim to fix it all, to fix myself as well. I’m aware that the truth of the world is dependent on how you decide to view it, and how to become–yourself–in it.
1st observation is the birth of Authority within me. I have been the type to ask permission, ask questions, ask for feedback. Thinking others know what they want, or better than I do. They don’t. No one does. In fact, there is no better to begin with. What I know, what I want, and what I do are all incomparable. They are mine.
2nd observation is the recognition of how reality is literally shaped by how I view it, especially how I view and present myself. I am what I think of myself. The way others view me is also a projection of what I think they think of me.
3rd observation is that overthinking is consuming me completely. I have not stopped thinking for a moment since this year began. My mind has grown accustomed to the overheating, but this behavior has caused two main problems that I need to solve.
Problem 1: Hesitation and lack of confidence. Problem 2: Becoming nonspontaneous.
4th observation is how meaningless everything has become. I don’t feel my humanity anymore. This issue can, perhaps, be fixed by dealing with the second observation.
5th observation is the chains binding me down and how I have been rattling them. The intention is, as it should be, to break them.
6th observation is that I have been scattered throughout the world like stardust that is leaving me vacant. I do not exist. Only my outline. There is a suction force not allowing me to regeneration or flip into my energy.
7th observation is that I need to not give a damn about being too much. Let me be too much. I need to become unhinged to the capacity that I deem authentic to me.
“Playing small is doing nothing for anyone. You’re robbing yourself of your joy and freedom. You are robbing the world of the impact that you are supposed to have. That your soul is craving. Start doing the shit that your soul is screaming to do, but your logical mind–your ego is scared of.” This is a quote that resonated with me. Playing small. I need to stop doing that. This goes under the third observation that I overthink too much that it binds me to playing small.
8th observation is how responsive/reactive I have become. This was not there before, and it gradually started building up until it became at full-force. I recognize that it developed in my teens when my energy was unhinged yet I got repeatedly shut down until those hits honed me into a man who aims to be always “correct” by playing it safe. Humans, unfortunately, disappointingly, are not all that I have been building them up to be. They’re as simple as can be. Doesn’t matter how they look or how they present themselves; they are dopaminergic creatures. Hierarchical, prone to frustration, and basic.
I decided that how they feel and what they think neither matters nor influences me. This new configuration is in effect.
Now is time to talk about actions, not observations.
1st action is forfeiting perfectionism. Allow myself to be faulty and actionable. “Faults” are human observant errors. Nothing in nature is, in itself, faulty. Maybe this will become philosophical, but the point is that perfectionism has been paralyzing.
2nd action is acceptance. Allow yourself to be truly you, regardless of how you look or sound.
3rd action is becoming actively non-reactive. This new configuration is in effect.
4th action is carrying the mantle of authority and the badge of confidence. They’ll come naturally as long as you don’t flinch. Even if you do, keep doing it.
5th action is to stop being defined by the past. Let go of identity prison.
6th action is prioritizing my wants and needs. i.e. If I want it and someone else wants it, I get it.