3rd of October. A month that carries a certain energy from the first day. Anyway, on to our topic for this evening.
I noticed that my energy has started shifting since yesterday. I noticed that I have not been ‘present’ all this time. I brought the void wherever I went.
I had zero representation, which translates to bad representation. No substance. It is a normal behavior that I’ve adopted from the concept of “New Beginnings” — fun and refreshing. But back when I used to do that, I had setups that allowed me a natural method to integrate my energy into new environments. Like a cord that attaches me to the true self, allowing it to reconnect and re-establish itself wherever I am. That cord is unhooked when it is associated with certain settings. It’s a failsafe mechanism that protects it. Past experiences have taught me to automatically shelter it, especially from family and people back home. The mechanism is valid in its function, as I’ve seen what they are like. So how is this behavior related to me being ’empty’?
The mechanism has been active for several months, which caused me to continuously drain myself without having the cord I’d use to switch the syphon and become present. I got comfortable being a hollow observer. I brought nothing but a floating spirit that feels foreign to the world around it. People see me, form opinions about me, probably judge me. But what they see is not me. It’s the Zero Representation.
Yesterday — I’m not sure exactly if there was a trigger or not — the hook reconnected, and the self-drain stopped. It gave me a chance to pause, stop observing the world around me, and reintegrate the energy flow back into myself. Using noise cancelling headphones helped. It shut off the environment long enough for me to look within.
More of me has come back now. I’m finding that my soul is coming back into my being and into the present. A protective barrier has already been established, so the defensive mechanism that cuts off the reintegration won’t need to activate. This protective barrier is potent. It made me stop worrying about what others will think of me, or about them being displeased or disapproving of me. The reintegration is still ongoing but I feel confident that it’ll complete successfully.
Another thing I’ve noticed to have quite a positive effect in reclaiming and refilling myself has been writing. Journaling in itself has been a big help, especially when I get into the flow of writing. I’ve noticed it dissolves the seal that keeps what drains me open. Writing allows me to grab the hook and shut off the syphon simultaneously.