To start this off, I’m surprised it has been this long for my stay in here. What I initially anticipated to be a short trip has grown to be a major one–and it is still an ongoing one. There is an enormous number of skills and lessons I’ve learned thus far that have shaped me in manners beyond my already-wide imagination. The battles I’m fighting have grown consistent that I’m having them daily. My survival mode is, more or less, activated. Last night I managed to have a proper meal and a shower after three days of having nothing but black coffee and dark chocolate. My energy level was stable throughout those days, so it wasn’t any source of concern. I did notice the turmoil cause me to have a frustrated gut. Had two peppermint cups which helped. The dinner and cold shower did too. Today’s way better, especially considered my father’s condition is going on an upward trajectory. He’s still in bad shape, and he’s been feeling so down, I have my own hypothesis that his physical condition is worse than it can be due to his defeatist pessimism, for which I do not blame him. God knows how he feels. But the reason I bring this up is because all the heavy lifting falls upon me, including the actual physical heavy lifting. I need to endure and shut up, though. It’ll take some time until he overcomes it. I’ve recognized this pattern in my family-and him specifically-so I can deduce the pattern by which this behavior moves.
I’ve seen things, though. Not just seen but also experienced what could leave a lesser person traumatized, but despite those things and despite how brutal this ongoing battle is, I find a few factors arise.
One of them is not wanting to define life nor be defined myself by a persona that I don’t see as myself. I’ve seen how grim people become due to an unjust life. It is a sad and bitter way to live–and quite frankly, I do not want to live like that nor do I associate with any of it. The worst part of it for them is that it is justified, which in itself is like a vortex that-if unobserved-can suck you into its darkness.
Another one is how full of life I actually feel. A while ago, something inside me just awoke. I’ve come to call it Certainty, or Yaqeen. I’ve noticed that I no longer get tired, or feel a need to be somewhere else or anywhere else–I am here and now, always, at all times, in all places. I do not yearn to escape the present, regardless of what it is. This awakening has unlocked a source of energy I’m still curious about. It’s… infinite. And it is the source from which my actions are taken. However, it isn’t absolute. When I’m not mindful and engage with meaningless quarrels, this source switched off and I’m back to spending from my stamina. Think of it this way. It’s like we all have a stamina bar and we spend during the day. It depletes and refills. Ever since this happened, my stamina has had a golden coating that flows infinitely. Obviously, I still get tired and hungry and need rest. It’s just that when I’m mindful, this thing becomes active.
A third thing is how much I love beauty, life, and fun. I’ve realized that I’ve been conditioned to equate fun with sin in a way. If you’re having fun, you need to hide or otherwise it will be met with disappointment, judgement, and potential repercussions. This conditioning has made me become pretty dark. Dark as in serious. Invisible. Avoidant. Quiet. Even though, without that excessive conditioning, I’d be… bright. Fun, happy, expressive, and outspoken. I’m still unlearning and relearning this one, so it’s an ongoing process.